I've ignored my blog for quite some time. I had surgery in February on my hand and am finally getting back into the swing of things. I'm playing with paper, but not as much as I would like. Playing paper is a pure form of mental therapy for me and since I haven't been playing with it as much, so many things are on my mind....
First off, Crafting By Designs is having an awesome almost month long Anything Goes Challenge in progress as well as their weekly Things with Wings Challenge. Stop over, check out the awesome inspiration and the fantastic prizes offered by our GENEROUS SPONSORS.
For my Anything Goes Challenge I used a digi from A Day for Daisies. I love this freehand butterfly.
And for our Things with Wings challenge, I found this cute little guy on Pinterest.
Exactly one year ago, I was told something that I thought was going to be an incredible journey. The daughter that I had given up for adoption and her husband told my son and I that they were expecting, due in September. We were asked if we would like to hear the baby's heartbeat. Oh My! Would we? That little beating heart was one of the most beautiful sounds ever heard. After that day, well I'm not exactly sure what happened. Somewhere along the way feelings changed. I'm sad, but more than being sad, I'm hurt. I'm hurt because of the lack of honesty and being misled. When we first met, I was so happy. All those years of wonder, not knowing and then there she was, first a voice on the phone, she had a name, then a couple of weeks later, she was standing there right in front of me. There are no words to completely describe the feelings and emotions. She was young, 20 at the time and not fully knowing what all was involved and how I would feel. She felt pressured because I wanted her to meet my family, the family that also wondered for 20 years. From the beginning I asked for honesty... after awhile, she went away and stayed away. No words spoken, basically ignore it and it will go away. Something that I have done quite often. A death in her family and health issues with my son brought us back together years later by a phone call. More conversations, invitations to her graduation party/house warming party, birthday's on my side, crafting together... all still just asking for honesty. One night I remember the words coming from her, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't know what was going to be involved, I wasn't ready. I'm ready for this now." WONDERFUL! Then came the wedding and the words, "You're one of my mother's of the bride." I hosted the bridal shower with her mom, I was there at the church while she was getting ready, seated behind her mom and dad in church, even given a rose by her husband. Seated at the parent table at the reception and my family was included in this beautiful, dreams can come true, fairy tale. Honestly on my part, I was uncomfortable being called Bio- Mom, I was uncomfortable having all of these people know who I was. I remember asking if I could attend the wedding and just sit in the back of the church, I just wanted to see her get married...
Please don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for being a part of it, for my family being a part of it.
But....something happened. The baby was born in September. I haven't seen her. My mom and sister have, I'm also grateful for that. I have intuition and being told that my intuition was wrong by family members hurt. I could see the baby, but my son was not allowed to. He had Lyme's disease at the end of September, it was gone by the end of October. That was the reason he could not see the baby. He asked all of the time, I made up excuse after excuse. Well into November the answer was still no, leaving the last reply as the pediatrician recommended the baby not be around any children because of colds and flu season with a maybe after Christmas.
All of this has put a wedge between my mom and I. Her coming to my house in tears telling me how this is breaking her heart, that my feelings of my daughter not wanting to have anything to do with me were crazy. Conversations with my sister telling me that it's not what I think. I gave birth to her, for 9 months we were one and I know, I know how and what I was feeling and to be told that I was wrong was extremely hurtful.
After a while I sent a message and put it out there. That opened a whole dialogue on exactly what I knew. But none of the questions from the 2nd time we got back together were answered. Her answers were all from the beginning. She wanted to know health history and her story. That was it. Maybe a once a year visit, occasional emails and communication through facebook... My sister knows this, my mother doesn't. I have been blocked on her news feed and she has been blocked from mine. Reading the gushing comments made by my family members and the conversations held between them hurt. It really does. I'm saddened by it. It's o.k. though, I am a survivor and I can get through anything and everything that comes my way. God gave me incredible strength for a reason. There is so much more I could write, but it would take years to read.
In the end, I can not help to feel that I am being punished. Punished for giving her a life that I would never have been able to. For not keeping her, for giving her away. I thought that when she had a baby of her own she would understand....
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
A life's lesson learned.
