30 Years, 3 Decades, 10,950 Days

June 10th has been a bittersweet day for me for the past 30 years. My life forever changed on that day. And not just mine, a lot of others too. There are 2 days a year  that I really wouldn't mind skipping over. Just completely eliminate them from my life. June 10th and 11th. 

On June 10, 1984, at 12:05 p.m.,  the day before my 16th birthday I gave birth to a 8 pound, 8 ounce, 21-1/2" long healthy baby girl. My sweet 16 was spent in the hospital. I left the hospital alone, a couple who's dreams I had made come true left with their brand new baby girl.

It hasn't been easy. I made the decision to give up my baby on my own. I chose LIFE. I could have ended that life, but did not. I made some one's dreams come true. On the ride home from the hospital I was told that this will never be mentioned in our house again. I hurt a lot of people. My dad the most. I was his baby girl. His baby gave birth to a baby. My dad died in 2003. I never told him how I sorry I was. For disappointing him the way that I had.  Another regret I have.

For 20 years I wondered, every day about this baby. What did she look like, what kind of  life did she have. Does she know I gave her up because I loved her, not because I didn't want her...

June 12, 2004 we were reunited. She was beautiful. She had my eyes, cheekbones and hands. Unfortunately honesty didn't play a huge role and 10 years later, the same feelings are back as they were in the beginning. Not that I am ungrateful for what I have experienced with her, I must go through those feelings of giving her up all over again. And now she has a baby girl of her own, a baby that I have not met and it makes giving her up a million times harder than before.

It took 30 years for my sister to tell me that she is proud of me. Wow! Proud of me. I've never viewed myself as someone to be proud of. Some one who messed around and got pregnant at 15.  Proud of me because I chose life. I gave someone the gift of life. That even though things haven't worked out as I would I have liked, I can walk away from this with my head held high. Those words were never spoken before.

30 is a significant number. I have cried from the time I woke up this morning. My husband doesn't understand. He told me to get over it and learn to deal with it better. This day in the past has been hard, but this year it is especially hard. Basically because of what has happened over the past year that I really don't understand and have asked, but received no answers. Just the basic wanted to know health history and maybe be a once a year acquaintance. 

I've finally been able to tell my sister that all of the comments and likes on pictures from my family are hurtful. They are my family, there is contact with them, but not me. That's fine. My family has never done anything to her, they didn't give her up.

June 11th is my birthday. My 46th Birthday. First i can't believe I'm going to be 46. Second I can't believe that my daughter is 30. It sucks that she was born the day before my birthday. It really does. My birthday means nothing to me. It's not a happy time. I wish those around would understand that. I ask for nothing, I want nothing. Just to be left alone as if it was just another day. Since my 16th birthday, I seem to find less than desirable things to do on my birthday. And this year is no different. I can not enjoy my 46th birthday this year because the day after I scheduled surgery. Because of the sins of my past, I find myself punishing my future.

No one knows how I feel, except for me. I try to explain, but it is too hard. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but who would hear me? Lord knows I've cried a river already. You can't go back and change things. Everything happens for a reason, all a part of God's plan. Oh if I could though, I would go back and change a few things. Not back to the beginning, just 10 years ago. 10 years I didn't know, I still wondered. And wondering is a lot easier than knowing.