I've ALWAYS been a firm believer in God doesn't give you more than you can handle. As of late, I'm beginning to lose my grip. I'm also questioning God and his reasoning. I know the morning of January 9th he did not create the 15 minute weather craziness, he did not cause the 48 accidents that occurred in that 15 minute time frame. I know he did not wake up that morning and decide he needed two little angels. I saw the wreck on line, a vehicle so mangled that it could not be identified, about 2 miles from my house. No names were given, just that 2 children died in the wreck. Something did not sit right with me. I had a horrible feeling in the bottom of my stomach, an extremely nervous and on the brink of having an anxiety attack.... all afternoon.
I do not remember much after 4:00 p.m. My husband picked up our son at the bus stop, came home and we flipped the news on. The headline was the accident. Showing pictures from the scene, I heard 2 brothers, ages 3 and 1...I didn't need to hear the mother's name. I knew. I freaked, hysterical. My son sobbing, my husband ghost white saying it's not true, me so weak in the knees that I had to hold myself up by clinging to the dining room door way.
My dear friend Elisabeth and her two babies. Liam (age 3) aka "My Lil' Punkin" and Declan (2 days shy of his 1st birthday) aka "My Lil' Irishman" Elisabeth sustained minor injuries, the boys were killed instantly. She did nothing wrong, hit black ice going down a hill. There was nothing she could do....
I can not tell my friend I know how she feels, I do not. I can not tell my friend this was God's plan. It was not. I can tell her that I know she loved her boys and her boys loved her. That her boys will always be with her. I can tell her that the journey ahead of her will be long, but family and friends will hold her hand along the way. That when she feels she can no longer go on, we will give her the strength to continue. Her 2 older children will help her as she will help them. I can tell her that I will be there, I will hug her, I will cry with her, I will dry her tears. I will be there for her.
I love(d) these boys. I always thanked Elisabeth over and over for having 2 more babies. And that she makes the most beautiful babies. Elisabeth knew exactly when I needed a baby fix, stopping over with them or posting new pics on facebook and tagging me in them.
So now, how do you go on? I know you have to. I can not sleep at night, my stomach isn't right. I forget for a split second then remember.
This is harder on me than watching my own dad die, 10 years ago from cancer. I knew he had it, I knew it progressed, I watched the progression. I watched my dad slowly give up his fight. I prepared myself the best that I could. Every night, weeks before he passed, I would pray to God and I would ask God to take him. Take him to a better place, somewhere pain free, somewhere he can hunt 24 hours a day... There is nothing in this world and I mean nothing that can prepare you for this.
And on the China Cabinet is a birthday party invitation for Declan's 1st Birthay, a birthday that was celebrated in heaven and not here on earth January 12th. Declan celebrated his 1st birthday with his big brother and the angels in heaven. I can only imagine how awesome that party was.
To my Lil' Punkin and my Lil' Irishman, Auntie Sharon loves you. We know that you are in heaven above enjoying every moment of your new adventure. Where clouds are like trampolines and rainbows like slides. With every slight breeze we feel, we know it is you blowing kisses our way. You will be in my heart...forever.
On the day of the funeral, I heard this song twice. The first time getting into the car at the cemetery. The second time when I was driving my son to his friend's house and he was sharing his favorite memory of Liam with me. I take this as a sign, all we can do is IMAGINE.