The World Wide Web can be very good and it can be very bad. You can get lost in the Cyber World which is what happened to me last night. A click here, a like here, then another click and there you are, lost in a giant world on a wide screen monitor. Somehow I clicked on a blog about a baby, then to another and another and I ended up on an adoption page of quotes. From Birth Mothers, Adoptive Mothers and Adopted Children. I read this quote:
“You were tossed away like a pair of beautiful, brand new shoes that did not quite fit.”
What??? I couldn't believe me eyes, I sat there in disbelief and read it over and over again. Is this how someone truly feels? I am a Birth Mom, do I feel like I tossed the baby I carried for 9 months away like a brand new pair of shoes that didn't fit? NO! I want Donna K. Childree to know my story. I was 15 years old. 15!!! I should have been out having fun with my friends, hanging out at the mall, shopping for a dress for the upcoming school dance. Instead I was terrified. Only a few knew, I hid it. I hid it from my family until it came to the ultimate head in March of 1984. A very close friend gave me the money for an abortion, that's what I was going to do, perfect, my life would return to normal. I made it the whole to the front door of the clinic, but couldn't open it. I just couldn't. Maybe if I ignored the fact that I was pregnant, the pregnancy would go away, well that didn't happen either. I knew I could not keep this baby. As much as I loved this baby that was growing inside me, I knew I couldn't do it. What kind of life would I be able to provide? I didn't want my mom to raise my baby. I did not want this child to grow up in the same environment that I did. My dad drank and on those nights he didn't come home after work, you just never knew how he was going to be and who he was going to target.
Long before my family found out, I decided that I was giving my baby up for adoption. My mind was set. I knew it would be hard, day after day, not knowing, wondering, praying for a wonderful family. Looking into the faces of little ones that appeared to be the same age as her. Any similarities, any resemblance?
After rereading the quote yet again, I started wondering maybe this is how Kelly feels. Maybe she feels I tossed her away. I thought that when she was pregnant and had her own child, she would understand. Sadly no.
We were reunited once, she stayed for a while, then went away. She came back, she was ready, she's gone again. The second time I thought was different. Her words were different, her actions were different, but in the end nothing changed. I never wanted to be a "Mom" to her .Did I want to be in her life? Yes. But not as a once a year acquaintance. Would Danny and I love to meet her baby? The baby that shares the same blood lines as us, yes. Will we ever meet the baby? No. Will we ever see or hear from Kelly again? Probably not. Do we like knowing all of this, no, but its life, it is her life, her choice and I am the one that gave those choices to her because I gave her up.
At times I do have regret. I have never regretted giving her up for adoption. I regret the afterwards.
So for those of you who are on the other side, who can not see it clearly, giving a child up for adoption is like a death. The feelings are very similar to grief. A grieving process, grief that never goes away. When someone dies, there is a funeral, there is closure, you grieve, you go on. They are never coming back. When you give a child up for adoption, you grieve for a child that you put you selfishness aside for. A child that you may or may not have ever seen. You worry, you worry for someone that you have never met. When you do meet, it is an amazing or not so amazing experience. Then they go away, the grieving begins again. No one will ever understand.
It was easier not knowing.